it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize