I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
