Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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