Ambien. No doubt about it.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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