She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
