sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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