She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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