I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
