I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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