They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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