so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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