Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
