i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
