and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
