Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
