My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
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does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
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My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm always down for nudity.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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