so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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