I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
