ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
