MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
