This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
