I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
