She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
