There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
