the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
