So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
