Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
