he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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