So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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