he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
