I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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