I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
