I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
