They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
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I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
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I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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