Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
