My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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