fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
