I cut my penus on the lid.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
