Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
