Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
My ATM looks so different sober.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
