Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
