I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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