If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
