Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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