Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
