Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
