I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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