So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
