based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
