True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
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I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
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Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Can you bring me the toilet please
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
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