I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
