she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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