Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
