It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
