y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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