The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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