I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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