i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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